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  He pulled me into his arms. I pushed away, but he kept me there. Locked in his warmth. In his love. Without my consent, tears burned my eyes and fell to his shoulder.

  “You can be my wife.” He kissed my cheek and held my face inches from his. “And you will. We are meant for each other, honey.” He slipped the ring onto my finger and exhaled in relief.

  I held my breath. My chest ached. I wondered how long it had been since I last took a deep breath. A content and restful breath. James stood and pulled my hands until I stood before him. I searched his eyes and my own heart. I missed the simplicity of life before the fire. I went with the flow. Lived for the moment. Now, I no longer lived in the past, but I surely anchored myself to the future. Like waiting a long winter and imagining spring a month before it comes. Sometimes the only way I got through the day, especially in the hospital, was by imagining the future.

  Only problem is my hopes seemed completely intangible at this point. All I wanted was a husband and a family. A normal life.

  I missed being normal.

  And, looking at James, the man I once vowed to marry, I wondered if I ever really loved him at all.

  “Don’t do that, Sarah,” James interrupted my thoughts. “Don’t go down into that place where you think too much. It’s all going to be okay. I promise. I love you and I will do anything I can to make it up to you.”

  “There’s nothing to make up. It’s not your fault. Please stop saying that.”

  “It is my fault.” Red washed over his face. “Without me you’d be my wife right now. Pregnant with our first child. Instead I’m standing here trying to convince you to marry me.”

  “James.”

  “No. Don’t James me. I’ve bent over backwards for you all of these months. I’ve done everything possible. Have I ruined your life so bad that you can’t even look at me?”

  “It’s not that.” My eyes stung again. “It’s not that at all.”

  “Then why can’t you be happy when I walk in the room?”

  I shook my head. No words came.

  “This is ridiculous, Sarah. You know your choices for marriage are slim now. You let me go and what’s going to happen? Are you going to end up a single old woman?” He stepped toward me with heavy eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I’m just u—“

  “Stop.” I walked to my bedroom door. “Please go.”

  “I didn’t mean it. You’re still beautiful to me.”

  “Who do you think is prettier? Me or Cheyenne?”

  He stood beside me in the doorway. “You are.”

  “Don’t patronize me. I may have been stuck to a hospital bed for a year, but I didn’t lose my brain. I’m scary looking. Strange. Ugly. You name it. That’s me. I’m not pretty. Cheyenne is way prettier. Please don’t lie to make me feel better.” I caught my breath. “I’m being honest here. At least treat me like an adult. I know I’ve lost my pretty face. I don’t want someone to love what I used to be. If I marry someone I want them to love who I am now. And if I can’t find someone, so be it.”

  He touched my face, the side without the burns. He always touched that side. Never my scars. I jerked away and stared at the ground.

  He smiled and kissed my cheek. “I will never give you up.”

  Six

  Ella sat a plate of fried eggs and toast in front of me, then sat down across from me with Adelaide in her arms.

  “So, do you think you’ll come?” she said.

  “I don’t even know them.” I picked up my fork. “Why on earth would I go to their wedding?”

  “They invited you.”

  “I hardly know them and given my current situation, I’m not sure I feel up to it.”

  Ella and I emptied our plates in silence. She piled my plate on top of hers and placed them both in the sink. I stood as she turned back to me.

  “Oh, now what?” I smiled. “Are you going to lecture me?”

  “Really, Sarah. Eventually you need to face the world again.”

  “I do.” I walked to the couch and put a pillow on my lap. “I go to the grocery store and physical therapy.”

  She raised her eyebrows.

  “I’m not going to their wedding.”

  “You may not know them well, but Heidi and Patrick have become good friends to us. They’re close with my brother too. And you know him. He’s an usher.”

  “Forget the groom, I know the groom’s usher. Yes, I should definitely go.”

  She set Adelaide down on the carpet and sat beside her. “Please. I want you to get out more. Live again. Are you going to hide away forever because you look different?”

  “I just don’t like the stares. It’s overwhelming.”

  “You can’t change what’s happened to you. This is your life now. The only way you’re going to find joy again is if you accept it and make the most of it. Otherwise I’m worried you will rot away in here, decaying in your own negativity.”

  “Easy for you to say.” I stood. “Look at everything around you. Gorgeous husband, beautiful baby, amazing house, perfect job. There’s nothing wrong with your life. You are pretty and sweet and your life is more beautiful than mine will ever be.” I held the railing at the bottom of the steps. “My life sucks. It absolutely sucks right now. I am treated like a child by everyone. People lie and say, ‘Oh, look at you. So beautiful.’ James tells me I’m pretty. You are constantly trying to fix me. People talk to me with slow, loud voices now, like I’m a toddler that can’t comprehend normal language. I’m sorry if I’m not living according to your standards, but you don’t understand how horrible this has been. I’m living in a nightmare and no matter how many times I throw cold water on my face, I don’t wake up.”

  Ella looked down and rubbed Adelaide’s back. I turned and walked up the steps and flopped onto my bed. My phone rang.

  Didn’t recognize the number. Once the voicemail popped up, I listened.

  “Sarah, uh, hey, it’s Vasili. I told Anastasia about you. She really wants to meet you. I hope you don’t mind, but I figured since you didn’t want to come over that she could meet you at your next appointment. Just giving you a heads up before you get here tomorrow. She’s nine years old. Sweetest kid ever. Okay, um, this is my cell. Thanks. Uh, okay, see ya tomorrow then.”

  He really wanted me to meet his niece. Wonder why.

  Someone laughed. Sounded like James. I walked to the open window across my room and hid behind the curtains. James and Cheyenne sat on the bed of his truck. He didn’t seem interested in her like she was with him. Her eyes were bright and her smile unmistakeable. He seemed distant, but he was laughing when she spoke. I couldn’t remember the last time I heard him laugh.

  My pulse quickened. I wanted him to be happy. To find someone who didn’t make him feel like a failure. But a the tinge of jealousy fought to overcome my reason. And won.

  Perhaps he would finally let go.

  Vasili took me back to his office and a little girl with rich brown hair and big brown eyes sprung from his swivel chair and rushed toward us.

  “You must be Sarah.” She extended her hand. “I’m Anastasia. Most of my friends call me Ana, but I like my full name better. What about you?”

  She didn’t look at my scars. If she did I couldn’t tell, but I looked at hers. They covered half of her face, just like mine. Her neck and left arm also had patches of burn scars as well.

  “It’s okay,” she said. “You don’t have to answer. I can tell you like Anastasia better anyway.”

  “Both names are lovely,” I said. “But I think you’re right. I like your full name better than the nickname.”

  She smiled and took my hand. Two scarred hands linked together. What happened to this poor girl? She led me to the mat in the middle of the room and sat down cross-legged. Confused, I looked at Vasili. He motio
ned for me to sit, then sat beside me.

  “How did you get burned?” Anastasia said, so casually.

  “Campfire accident. Lighter fluid leaked out and we forgot to put the fire out. The fluid made a trail to our tent and the fire must have crackled and somehow lit the trail.”

  “I was burned too,” she said. “It happened right after I found out I have nueroblastoma. My Yia Yia was making dinner and had a big pot boiling on the stove. I tried to look inside and it started tipping. Vasili saw me and tried to stop it, but it was too late.”

  “Wow.” I shook my head, wondering why he couldn’t tell me the story himself.

  “I was wearing a flannel shirt,” she said. “So when I went to take it off it peeled my skin back right off my arm. It hurt pretty bad.”

  “Yeah. When I was burned the fire went right through my clothes and I could see to my bone on my left hand.” I shuddered at the memory. “What’s nueroblastoma?”

  “A type of cancer. The doctors gave me less than a year to live last time I saw them. We’ll see, I guess.” She reached over and ran her hand down the scars on my face. “They feel just like mine.”

  “I had cancer too,” I said. “Before the fire. It’s gone now and hasn’t come back since, but I definitely think about it. Honestly, after the fire I haven’t cared much about getting cancer or not.” I looked down. “It’s just been really hard to live again.”

  “You mean all the stares? And the people pointing fingers?”

  I nodded.

  “It was the worst when I had to shave my head. My scars were even weirder. That’s when I stopped going to school and Mama started schooling me at home. Uncle Vasili tried to tell me to face the bullies and keep going to school, but I got too tired to last all day anyway.”

  “Oh, sweetie. I’m sorry. Are you still going through treatments?”

  She shook her head. “It made me so sick. I just want to try to feel as normal as I can until I die.”

  Until I die. The words were filled with certainty. A certainty that made me uncomfortable.

  “It’s okay,” she said with hesitation.

  “What makes you okay with it?”

  “I guess I realized I don’t have a choice.”

  Vasili laughed quietly. “She means she came to terms with her death and over time she’s realized that all these years she’s been fighting for her life would be pointless if she moped around during her last year with us. She decided a few months ago to stop treatments and enjoy the last months without a ton of hospital visits.”

  She smiled. “Ask Uncle Vasili. He knows everything.”

  I blinked away the tears gathering in my eyes. This child was dying. Nearing the end of her short life way before her first kiss. And yet I complained about my life every day.

  Vasili touched my shoulder and Anastasia held my hand. “It’s nice to have a friend who understands what it’s like to be scarred. Now I know why Vasili wanted us to meet.”

  He nodded and smiled.

  I wanted to help Anastasia. Somehow. Perhaps being a friend was the best thing I could do.

  “I’m honored to be your friend,” I said. “You’ve already taught me so much.”

  “Me?” She giggled. “I don’t know about all that.”

  “Vasili,” I said. “Is this how you got burned too?”

  “Yes. Unfortunately Anastasia took the brunt of it, but I’ve got some scars down my arm and chest.” He held eye contact. “I understand the pain. You’re not alone.”

  I wanted to say, “But you still have your face,” until I remembered the girl sitting before me. She lost part of her face too. She understood. I never thought I’d be so happy to have a nine-year-old friend.

  “We’re going to a wedding this weekend,” Anastasia said. “Vasili and Natalie have two extra seats for me and a friend. Will you come with me?”

  I so badly wanted to say no, but her courage loosened my worries. “Is it a family member?”

  “No,” Vasili said. “My buddy from school became a chiropractor. He’s got a practice over in Philly. This is his second marriage actually. First one was a bit of a nightmare, but he found a nice woman now.”

  “You’ve gotta be kidding me,” I said. “Is this the wedding for Patrick and Heidi Wheldon?”

  “How’d you know?”

  “Friends of friends. My best friend’s husband is an usher.”

  “Oh, good,” Anastasia said. “Then you can meet me there and we can sit together. I’ll feel so much better with you there.”

  Oh, no. How could I get out of it now?

  Seven

  I stood in front of the mirror and wished I’d get sick and have a good reason to stay home.

  “Wow, Sarah.” Ella peeked her head through my door. “You look amazing.”

  I looked at her like she was crazy. “Stop.”

  “What? Since when is perfection a pre-requisite for looking nice?” She stepped inside. Her ankle length dress looked like a modern regency era design. Off-white with olive green accents, highlighting all of her features with simplicity. “You are never going to look like you did before the fire, but I’m not lying when I say you look nice. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you out of those sweatpants and t-shirts.”

  “I’m embarrassed, Ella.”

  “Why?”

  “Look at me. I’ve hidden the scars as best as I could. I did this loose pony tail look so I could somewhat cover this side of my face, but I feel ridiculous for hiding and ridiculous for exposing myself.” I slumped into the chair by the window. “I can’t get over it.”

  “One step at a time.” She took my hand. “Let’s go. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll even have fun.”

  I stood and handed her a tube of sunscreen. “Could you help me put this on the top of my back?”

  “But your back isn’t exposed.”

  “Just being cautious.”

  “You didn’t take your pressure garments off, did you?”

  “Nope. That’s why I’m wearing a dress that practically covers every inch of my body. I had to buy it from some online medieval costume shop.”

  Ella tried not to laugh. “Really?”

  I smiled. “Yes.”

  We laughed as she gently rubbed lotion on my shoulders and back. Felt good to laugh again.

  “Where’s Cheyenne?” Ella set the sunscreen on my dresser. “She hasn’t been around as much.”

  “I told her I’m okay. The physical issues I have are nothing compared to the emotional.” I slipped into a pair of black flats. “She’s working more at the hospital. I think she’s looking for her own place now. I promise I will soon too.”

  “This is your home as long as you want it to be. It’s been wonderful having you with me. Not a burden at all, Sarah. I know how your little brain thinks.”

  “Alright.” I looked in the mirror one last time. “Ready?”

  Thankfully the chairs were lined up under the shade of trees. I admit, when Ella told me that Heidi and Patrick decided to marry at the local skatepark, I thought it sounded strange. And, well, I suppose it is a bit unique, but they set it up so beautifully. The chairs were in neat rows leading up to a ramp with a platform at the top. The platform was covered in rose petals and the sides were decorated with fake ivy.

  Ella and I sat down near the front with the baby. Others piled in behind us. I didn’t want to look at them, so I stared ahead without moving. A few minutes passed and someone tapped me on the shoulder. Anastasia. I almost forgot. She sat beside me. We hugged as Vasili and a gorgeous brunette sat beside us. I held my breath.

  “Hi, Sarah.” The brunette reached her hand across Vasili and Anastasia. “I’m Natalie. Vasili has told me so much about you.”

  I shook her hand and smiled. “I didn’t realize there w
as so much to say.”

  She was beautiful. I guess I shouldn’t have expected any less. At first I wondered why she didn’t mind her soon-to-be husband talking about me, but then I remembered.

  Music began playing. We all straightened and everyone turned as the ushers walked up the mock aisle. I looked ahead. Waited until they appeared at the base of the ramp. Then everyone laughed. I couldn’t help but turn. Patrick skateboarded up the aisle and right up the ramp, did some kind of trick thing, and landed on the platform as rose petals rustled and scattered beneath him.

  I couldn’t figure out the tune of the song. I nudged Ella as the bridesmaids walked to their spots. “What’s the song?”

  “All of My Love by Led Zeppelin.” She was staring at Gavin the entire time. He did look rather handsome. Their outfits were cute. Untucked button down white shirts. Rolled up sleeves. Loose orange ties. Relaxed slacks. And sneakers. I kind of liked it. Derek, Ella’s brother, stood beside Gavin. Other than that, I didn’t recognize the other guys.

  The only bridesmaid I recognized was Miranda, who seemed to be the maid-of-honor. Derek’s girlfriend. They were grinning at each other too. All of this romance made me nauseous. I wondered what James was doing. If he still thought we’d be good together.

  The music stopped. Heidi walked up the aisle wearing a silky white dress that hung off one shoulder. It draped and hugged all the right places. Her hair was pulled back, delicately, with wavy strands falling out. When she got closer I noticed several braids leading back to her messy bun. She looked so pretty. And for once I didn’t think of my own lack of prettiness. I simply relished the joy of this new couple.

  She walked up the steps of the ramp, holding her dress with her left hand so she wouldn’t trip, and her flowers in the other. Patrick’s face was absolutely priceless. He held one hand over his heart, like he couldn’t breath when he saw her. It didn’t seem like he was crying, but I couldn’t tell from where I sat. The sun could’ve gone missing for a bit and no one would’ve noticed. Those two were plenty bright enough as they clasped hands and stared at each other with longing.